“Usually I’m fairly non-judgemental but I’m getting annoyed with hearing frequent complaints of being chronically single but will only date super young and/or super hot. Maybe some people need to realize they aren’t so good and/or nice guys/ladies they are just shallow AND superficial.”
From a woman in a group that I am in caused me to reply with this.
perhaps people should stop rushing the idea of not being single, work on themselves get themselves whole, find a whole person who has their emotional house in order and focus on deep valuable connections in life instead of searching for a specific connection or format. Sex is fleeting, we are aging and life is about more than the physical. Now it’s funny because I know what you may be thinking well look at the people Joshua has dated who is he to talk? But if you even think that remind yourself that you may be judging my relations based upon their physical attributes, not their intellectual depth because frankly, no one in this group has known the people I have seen on That level.
To which she replied ” I see good men get passed up often by appropriate matches simply because they choose to focus on their physical features rather than social skills, dating skills or make specific dating or relationship goals so they end up hitting on every potentially single lady, turning off every lady. That doesn’t at all apply to you, Josh. In fact you’ve got a group where this might be better discussed in detail for others that have trouble
And I replied
Likewise, I see good women getting passed up for the same reason. It’s okay to feel it’s not a match. I have plenty of “it’s not a match” in my life. Be sure it’s not a match for a reason that is real.
By being real, I mean to be honest and genuine with yourself. And in private in your own thoughts is often the best place for that, without the influence of others.
If you find yourself in the shower saying “well that person is just too fat to even consider” you should look deeper into that, the reasoning behind it.
For me and I will be completely honest here my obversion and reflection of dating and even getting to know people who suffer from severe obesity. My rejection of that potential match is not about physicality though some of it may be to an extent, much more so, as it is actually about the association with my mother.
No matter what, its seems when I am hanging out with someone who is very obese, I will mentally and almost always immediately connect/create an association with my mother, her unhealthy habits, things that bothered me about the way she lived her life. Her abuse of us, poor choices she made, the myriad of things “mom”.
It’s no one’s fault that I create this association, there is nothing you can do to change.
It DOES NOT mean that I think YOU are a bad person, or in any way the same as my mother.
It DOES NOT mean that I cannot be your friend and if I were your friend, it does not mean would value your friendship any less because of this association.
It DOES mean I will not date you if this association is created in my head.
For the record, I think larger women are very often super beautiful and full of life, my mother is a very beautiful woman.
Regardless of that, I have this emotional trigger. This is my the raw honesty.
Now, I have I seen similar triggers in both men and women, obesity, alcohol use, tobacco use, drugs, church, lack of emotional or mental depth, any number of things may be your personal trigger.
And it is acceptable to have triggers, and things that are hard stops on potential matches, that being said, in my honest opinion if you understand and work on the reasoning behind what is triggering you and either understand or accept that this is who you are and you can be okay with this being who you are, then so be it. If it is something you want to change, work on it.
We are only human.
I encourage you to to take the time to know yourself, to improve upon yourself.
If you are blanket blowing people off because they don’t fit your TYPE and you don’t know why that is, or just accept it without any self-understanding than I encourage you to reflect more on why that is, and the deeper reasons on why these triggers automatically rule our other great potential matches.
If possible work through them.
I know I work on my mine all the time. Working on disassociation of my toxic mom who I do love with all my heart, but is toxic none the less, has been a huge part of my adult life.