Cutting the final connections has made me really, very sad over the last few days. It had to be done.
I will never be who I was when I was with you, somehow, I will be better. Which is exciting to think about, because when I was with you when I was happy. I was stronger and happier than I can ever remember being. And yet, somehow, I am going to be stronger still.
Something, some one will bring me more joy than you did, I waited for 13 years for what you gave to me, and I will wait for the rest of my life if need be to find it again.
Just right now, I can’t see the sunrise with your shadow standing over me.
I have been wanting to put your things in the mail, but the last time I sent you something you went ballistic. I have thought about giving them to Matt but promised I would never reveal us to him. I have kept that promise, I am going to keep it.
I am not the kind of person to just throw things away. So I guess I will hold on to it for now until I decide.
I also still owe you 3 bottles of wine, I only have one. I had two, but one I drank when I was angry and resentful. That’s gone now, not just the wine, but the anger and resentment. Which was really just sadness disguised.
I have come to terms with never having answers, with not knowing. I still deal with regular tears, with self-doubt that could have been easily resolved.
Your words resonate in my head daily, “We lose people” I have always fought so hard to never lose anyone. The lesson here is that it’s not my choice, who we lose, and who we save, who chooses to stand with us, and who chooses another path.
I guess it bothers me a lot I know you never read my words, that you don’t care, perhaps that’s my own little shred of narcissism, my ego that wants to be heard. Perhaps it’s just my humanity standing aside me glaring me in the face. One face whole, one broken.
Even now, as tears stream down my face, I feel like I failed you, and I never will know how. I wanted the best for you, in truth, I wanted the best for me. Because I believed you were the best for me, I believed I was the best for you. Like many beliefs, the truth was shadowed in the innocence of blind faith.
Some days it’s like you died, and we never got to say goodbye how we should have. Goodbyes are never fairy tails, there is no sweetness to an end, only the brutal truth that one of you, must agonize. In this case, it was me.
Other days I see that I should have just left our one goodbye as what it was, and never asked you anything again.
So many unanswered questions.
But I guess that is life.
You will always have a part of my soul. It’s no longer mine to ask for, to hold, its the part of me you will unknowingly carry with you.
Someday, you will find it inside of you. I hope that’s your moment to reflect on your decisions. Justify them, discover my end of them, sort them, categorize them, question them. If you find the same conclusion so be it, if you find a question, I will be here to answer.