10-2-1999 Six Months Later

October 2, 1999

2:15am

To “R,m.”:

The world in the morning.

I look at the world with open eyes,

My world is intelligent, open minded, free to think.

With passages and doorways opened for the first time every day, new ideas, new ways of doing things, new outlooks changed.

Our lives change everyday we do something new and exciting no matter how small it is to us it’s amazing.  As we wake everyday we wonder what we are going to do how our plans might change, who are we going to meet. Everyday when I wake up I ask with little words “Good morning my friend, how are you and wish you a good day. Knowing somehow subconsciously  it will help your day progress with good thoughts. I look around me and wonder where I am today how might my day effect my life and notice my value to the world. I take in the dreams I have dreamt and gather my thoughts on them. Often they include you. A wonderful treat to my mind and heart, my favorite dreams include my closest friend.

Hoping of the future.

There are days, well often every day.

I take time to sit back and reflect. Reflecting on us and our friendship what I want in my life and how to include you. And how to separate me. Things like hopes and dreams from the past night pass throughout my mind.

When I start to wonder in my head I see us as friends of the greatest kind, soulmates progressing throughout life watching each other grow and move on in life. I see my self and the one to bring you up when your down and to ask your advice on stupid things like, Should I get a sandwich or a burger? As we sit and laugh about how in the world we decided to order a ice cream Sunday so large that we couldn’t imagine eating it all. We know true friendship. Things like that make me wonder where we will be in 10 years. You know me I’m the thinker I’m always thinking and sometimes it’s not the best idea but I do it anyway.  When I think about things I want to share with you it all comes to one thing. “Happiness”  Yours mine each others, Just happiness.  I think of my love of adventure and travel and think about how wonderful it would be to share experiences like walking along The Great Wall of China, approaching The Great Pyramids of Egypt, standing on top of the Eiffel Tower looking down on Paris and knowing how we are on top of the world. Places I want to go like the Amazon, Japan, Australia and Europe with the rest of the world I can think of no better traveling buddy or no one else I would rather walk through a Scottish Castle with, I can see us awing at the Majesty of the Great halls inside and wondering how they ever stood so long. I look at pictures of this past summer and think about all the CRAZY amazing fun we had. I know how everlasting our friendship is when I look at my self, giving up friendships and relationships that conflict with our precious friendship. I look at my self, working out remembering you in the room with me Jogging and then swimming, I think about that time in the pool, anyone of them. I see my self striving to be as trustworthy to everyone I meet knowing someday I will be in your eyes as trustworthy as your own soul.  Trying to correct mistakes that had to be made because we are “growing up” and smile with your smile in my head.

Our Future as far as I can see, and I don’t see much ever at all because my mind is “out of control” I see our friendship growing everyday no matter how far we are apart I see my self understanding you more everyday and knowing what it is when you say “I just need time to my self talk to you later” I smile and know you will be fine after you self talk for a wile and maybe rest. Because I know you know that if ever in need I am here for you even when you can’t get a hold of me by phone. When I think of us I smile I know you do to and I smile so greatly that I believe the room lights up around me.

Accepting blame, correcting mistakes & knowing when I’m wrong.

As I know you know me so well, I know you know that I am a little arrogant at time and definitely a pain in the ass, sometimes I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, other times I am spited but being upset or something going wrong in my life. I know that when I make a mistake it will have repercussions. I also know that my mistakes are human mistakes. I think of the ones I have done over and over and finally think my thick head has gotten the message that I really am learning from my mistakes. And I can never promise I wont make a mistake again but I do promise I am trying to correct them all and not make them. I have learned how sensitive you are. And how harsh I can be with my words and thoughts. I also realize that you are blunt and to the point. And sometimes that can hurt me, but I have learned to take it as constrictive criticism. Like when once you told me about how I try to overcome someone else’s stories with my own and that it makes me look bad. At first that hurt a little be but the more I learned from it the more I applied it to my life the more it helped me out the better I felt about my appearance towards others conversation wise. So you should know I want you criticism and even with I don’t agree with you I wont come down on you because sometimes I can really benefit from it more than I think in the get go.

Our lives apart.

The Past six months has been very difficult for me. But so good in so many ways. I have learned how to be my own brain with out constant influence from others. I have learned how some people mean so much less to my life the I once thought and some mean so much more than I ever imagined like you and Michael. I learned how it is to let go how it is to commit and be broken-down with no shoulder to lean on and how you can build you r self up with out others. I’ve learned how much I want my own life I’ve even made some decisions on what I want to do with my life. I have learned how not to have such a low self concept of my self and that physical fitness dose not mean a fasting diet but instead a timed plan of work. And that no matter how much I think it’s the most important thing, people look at me for who I am and how I hold my personality.

I have learned that I am more important to everyone around me and I have learned that no matter what we say think or so no matter how far away you are a driving force in my life and I love having you as the driving force in my life because under my self it’s your opine that matters most.

I have really learned so much.

You, I have seen you mature so much I have learned that you can take care of your self but also know I am here when needed and sometimes when not needed 🙂 I know that You are going to be so successful and that you keep your priorities in order no matter what. I know you will watch you self and take care of who you are and I learned that, I know no fear with you in my heart.

Last note,

Originally this was a poem I was going to write to help you feel better then it turned into something that is full of things I have wanted to say and haven’t had the time. You know how it is with time 🙂 so I guess with this letter I am just telling you I am so proud of you and that I am so happy to have you as my friend and that about no one else but my self do I think so highly. You know your on a pedestal in my heart but just remember no matter what you can never come off it because I know your abilities and how loving you are inside you how much you are admired, especially by me. And of course remember I am only a few hours away in a emergency no matter what if anything happens I will find a way to be there for you. And also remember how dear you are too me and that I love you you’re the closest friend in my life,. Okay so that’s repetitive but heck it’s 2:13 am. Take care.

Love Anteros.

Punk old Punk Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee; why? Because it’s OUT OF CONTROL. Remember the fireworks, I always will.