Hey. I read your letter and I guess honestly I’m not
surprised by what was in it. I guess I’ve always
known that this would come back up. And it’s okay,
it’s nice and flattering. And I guess I am glad it
was done over email and not the phone.
You said you want me to be honest so I will, maybe for
the first time in a long time.
See, you and I definitely are soul mates, but I don’t
see it the way you see it. I’ve always known you and
I went through too much to just drop each other off on different planets. Christ, Anteros, I flew to Florida to visit you and spent over 700 dollars while I was there. And you know what, never once have I regretted it nor forgotten a moment of it. And of course we fought when I get back to Portland hat summer. We would have broke tradition if we hadn’t. 🙂 And, I think we were both confused about what happened while I was there. And what did happen was fun, Anteros, but it probably shouldn’t have happened. I don’t want to sound mean Anteros. And it’s not that I had never wanted it to happen, but it’s as if it was just too much. I was shattered over “K” at the time. I know I didn’t love him, but I did care for him. He cared for me as much as you did, if not more. I only say more because I let him love me. With you, it was always in the air, and never spoken of, you know. But “K” picked my life up in many ways that nobody ever knew of. And he took care of me. ANd I abused that and now look, we’re not even friends. And I can honestly say that I miss “K” and I do think about him from time to time. He was my first, you know. So, I was mad at myself and hurt and you were so loving and I do care about you. I always did. And you and I were not wrong, Anteros. No way would I say that. But I’m afraid I may have led you to believe some things that weren’t really true. But you know what, Anteros. I could never be with you now for one
reason: “J,m.”! Take “Jn.” out of the picture and take
the distance and years that have gone by. Minues
those things, “J,m.” and you were always how I saw
you. And all those memories are too painful to me.
She betrayed me, gave up on me and left me standing in
the rain years ago. And when I saw her and Kelsey at
my Brother’s graduation, it all flooded back to me and
I thought I was going to be sick. And that is the
honest reason why you and I never became an item back
then. It was too much of a circle that had run too
deep between us all.
And now, Anteros, I know how you feel. But I also know
that you are not writing this to me to start
something. Nor am I. But, It scares me when you talk
like that because I am afraid to lose you as a friend.
We haven’t seen each other for ages and ages, yet we
can talk like it was just yesterday. But we’re good
friends again, after a long battle of rejuvenating our
lost friendship. I am very different now than when
you last saw me. In fact, anyone back in hs or oregon
would probably shit a brick. I am very honest, (after
many years of lying)and extremely straight forward.
This is because I was hurt so bad by “J,m.” and kelsey
and ty and efrem and the rest of the crowd. But
mostly “J,m.”. That girl was honestly the truest
friend I’ve ever had, girl friend that is. Not
anymore, obviously, but my Junior and senior year, she
was. Even with Matt and al the problems we had
becasue of him. So, when her and I stopped being
friends, I did some soul searching and discovered that
I wanted to be a different kind of friend. And I am.
And I love myself now. It took three years but in the
last year and a half, I am finally the person I have
always dreamed of being. And the only sad thing about
that is some important people have not been there to
share it with. You are included in that.
The reason I’m telling you this is because you need to
meet me in person to see it. Actually, some of it is
sad: I love to shop and I love to look fucking hot as
shit. 🙂 I never used to, but now, I can’t stay away
from the malls. Everything I own is trendy, not like
before. I guess that’s kind of a big change. You can
envision it as you like!!!:):):) But I have always
wished there was a way to see you again. Because you
are important to me. And I think that you and I are
soul mates in the fact that we are meant to be friends
for ever. ANd I mean that. That is how I’ve always
looked at it.
And you know, Anteros, I’m not going to tell this to “Jn.”
because he would be really mad. He has always asked
me if you are in love with me and I always get so mad
at him for asking. He does that wit a coupe other guy
friends. But, I want you to know that I will probably
marry “Jn.” and I dream of it and hope and wish for it
all the time. And I want you there at my wedding and
I want you to be able to come and visit andhang out
with us wherever we end up. ANd now I’m afraid that
you will not feel like you are able to. We can’t
lose contact again Anteros. I hate it because I never
know whre you are or what you are up to.
I’m gld you wrote me, even if you wish you hadn’t.
I’ve always known it somewhere inside that you still
felt things. Of course you do, it’s only natural
aftr all we’ve been through. Becaue I’ll tell you
what, I would never go down to florida to vist just
anyone. It has to be someone who is more than just my
friend. It has to be something that has a lot of
meaning in my life. Don’t forget that.
I’ll talk with you soon. Thanks for writing me and
I’ll call you soon, or you me, whatever.