RE: Years Later… 10-5-2003

10-5-2003

Anteros,

Hey.  I read your letter and I guess honestly I’m not

surprised by what was in it.  I guess I’ve always

known that this would come back up.  And it’s okay,

it’s nice and flattering.  And I guess I am glad it

was done over email and not the phone.

You said you want me to be honest so I will, maybe for

the first time in a long time.

See, you and I definitely are soul mates, but I don’t

see it the way you see it.  I’ve always known you and

I went through too much to just drop each other off on different planets.  Christ, Anteros, I flew to Florida to visit you and spent over 700 dollars while I was there.  And you know what, never once have I regretted it nor forgotten a moment of it.  And of course we fought when I get back to Portland hat summer.  We would have broke tradition if we hadn’t.  🙂  And, I think we were both confused about what happened while I was there. And what did happen was fun, Anteros, but it probably shouldn’t have happened.  I don’t want to sound mean Anteros.  And it’s not that I had never wanted it to happen, but it’s as if it was just too much.  I was shattered over “K” at the time.  I know I didn’t love him, but I did care for him.  He cared for me as much as you did, if not more.  I only say more because I let him love me.  With you, it was always in the air, and never spoken of, you know.  But “K” picked my life up in many ways that nobody ever knew of.  And he took care of me.  ANd I abused that and now look, we’re not even friends.  And I can honestly say that I miss “K” and I do think about him from time to time.  He was my first, you know. So, I was mad at myself and hurt and you were so loving and I do care about you.  I always did.  And you and I were not wrong, Anteros.  No way would I say that.  But I’m afraid I may have led you to believe some things that weren’t really true.  But you know what, Anteros.  I could never be with you now for one

reason:  “J,m.”!  Take “Jn.” out of the picture and take

the distance and years that have gone by.  Minues

those things, “J,m.” and you were always how I saw

you.  And all those memories are too painful to me.

She betrayed me, gave up on me and left me standing in

the rain years ago.  And when I saw her and Kelsey at

my Brother’s graduation, it all flooded back to me and

I thought I was going to be sick.  And that is the

honest reason why you and I never became an item back

then.  It was too much of a circle that had run too

deep between us all.

And now, Anteros, I know how you feel.  But I also know

that you are not writing this to me to start

something.  Nor am I.  But, It scares me when you talk

like that because I am afraid to lose you as a friend.

We haven’t seen each other for ages and ages, yet we

can talk like it was just yesterday.  But we’re good

friends again, after a long battle of rejuvenating our

lost friendship.  I am very different now than when

you last saw me.  In fact, anyone back in hs or oregon

would probably shit a brick.  I am very honest, (after

many years of lying)and extremely straight forward.

This is because I was hurt so bad by “J,m.” and kelsey

and ty and efrem and the rest of the crowd.  But

mostly “J,m.”.  That girl was honestly the truest

friend I’ve ever had, girl friend that is.  Not

anymore, obviously, but my Junior and senior year, she

was.  Even with Matt and al the problems we had

becasue of him.  So, when her and I stopped being

friends, I did some soul searching and discovered that

I wanted to be a different kind of friend.  And I am.

And I love myself now.  It took three years but in the

last year and a half, I am finally the person I have

always dreamed of being.  And the only sad thing about

that is some important people have not been there to

share it with.  You are included in that.

The reason I’m telling you this is because you need to

meet me in person to see it.  Actually, some of it is

sad: I love to shop and I love to look fucking hot as

shit.  🙂  I never used to, but now, I can’t stay away

from the malls.  Everything I own is trendy, not like

before.  I guess that’s kind of a big change.  You can

envision it as you like!!!:):):)  But I have always

wished there was a way to see you again.  Because you

are important to me.  And I think that you and I are

soul mates in the fact that we are meant to be friends

for ever.  ANd I mean that.  That is how I’ve always

looked at it.

And you know, Anteros,  I’m not going to tell this to “Jn.”

because he would be really mad.  He has always asked

me if you are in love with me and I always get so mad

at him for asking.  He does that wit a coupe other guy

friends.  But, I want you to know that I will probably

marry “Jn.” and I dream of it and hope and wish for it

all the time.  And I want you there at my wedding and

I want you to be able to come and visit andhang out

with us wherever we end up.  ANd now I’m afraid that

you will not feel like  you are able to.  We can’t

lose contact again Anteros.  I hate it because I never

know whre you are or what you are up to.

I’m gld you wrote me, even if you wish you hadn’t.

I’ve always known it somewhere inside that you still

felt things.  Of course  you do, it’s only natural

aftr all we’ve been through.  Becaue I’ll tell you

what, I would never go down to florida to vist just

anyone.  It has to be someone who is more than just my

friend.  It has to be something that has a lot of

meaning in my life. Don’t forget that.

I’ll talk with you soon.  Thanks for writing me and

I’ll call  you soon, or you me, whatever.

Love ya

“R,m.”