Well I have been trying to figure out how to write you this letter for about the past two years.. In that amount of time I have no yet reached a conclusion of how it should be written or how I should come across but I have finally decided that it will be written now this way how I am writing it by just doing it. And as far as how I want to come across well Many time I have tried to start this conversation on the phone only to be interrupted by life or by the timing just no being right.. So now I just want it to come across as the best interruption my hands can dictate of the thoughts & feelings that are in my mind and heart.
Much time has passed in our live’s you have grown up, alike I have as well. Time has changed many things… and my heart and mind have changed as much as the tides have come and gone. I have many times thought about moving to be closer to you… But have never been able to know if I could ever be near you again with out falling for you again. Most recently was a prospect of moving to Michigan I thought about it a lot…
Ya see the problem “R,m.” is that I know somewhere hiding in my heart is this little heart shaped box and in that box is “us” an idealistic romance once envisioned by my heart and mind, built on and tended too for 3 years. In that little heart shaped box is the belief that we are soul mates. Best Friends. In that box is everything we ever shared and everything I ever envisioned that we never got the opportunity to share, memories, letters, pictures you drew, mental snapshots of us sitting by each other at council crest, at the creek by your house, in my house at Christmas time in west lynn. Sneaking in to your house and out of it with you… Going to your play practice. Everything that I do remember is in that box…
Funny thing is I know that box is still very active deep inside my heart… Every time I think about getting an opportunity to see you again or to be near you… That box rumbles.. and shakes.. and bounces up and down with joy… You do say things now and then.. Things that also make it jump.. I have occasionally thought I detected disappointment in your voice when I am in a new relationship or when I seem to be happy with someone.. It’s a funny emotion in my mind it might not even be real. Maybe I just wish you had that “hope” in the back of your mind that someday we get a second chance to fall all over again and to be as close as we once were.
I don’t know maybe im crazy “R,m.”.. Maybe I am but love is crazy how it works who it chooses and how it decides to go about its business it its own way and who are we to get in the way of it.. I am often so confused by my self.. Many times have I thought to my self “I’m finally over you” only to in the end find me self thinking of you.
When I said that I had decided to not move to Michigan because I did not just want to walk back into your life.. it was a little deeper then it sounded.. I’m more afraid that if we are soul mates and we had the opportunity to be around each other much more frequently and to become close friends again I don’t want to barge into your life.. I don’t want to become a question in johns mind or in yours. Or in mine as a matter of a fact. I just don’t really know if im really ready to do it. To see you again.. I do in many ways still love you.. and though I am not in love with you I know that the possibility of me falling in love with you again is there… and most of all…. I never ever want you to think of me as a freaking psycho or something.. Im just a man.. just Anteros.
I guess this is part one of several letters.. I do want you to write back to me about this.. and be completely truthful.. or at least maybe we can talk about this on the phone after you have read it..
Okay well im going to go now.. I have to send this before I reconsider it… LOL
Take care much luv always
I dont think I ever sent it….