Found in your Journal
A single fae with broken wings
- Juni 3., 2002 at 12:55 AM
Anteros, I love you. I don’t know if you love me too, but I do. I’m not asking you to fall in love with me. I’m not asking you to change your life for me. I just want you to know that I’d never let us get in the way of my dreams and ambitions. I’d never let us be a reason to turn down opportunity, if it was a good one. I’m sorry to have put you through this. I’m sorry to put you in a situation where you have to make a decision like this. I’m sorry you had to see me like this. I’m sorry you had to see me self injure. I’m sorry you had to see the cuts and the scratches. I’m sorry you had to see me lose my sanity. I’m sorry you had to watch my heart break. I’m almost sorry I initiated the whole relationship in the first place. I’m not sorry I know you. I’m not sorry for what we had. I’m sorry for the pain. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, I am crushed. Yes, I do feel like you killed a part of me. You also made me incredibly happy. You showed me a life no one else has. You accepted me fully for who I am. Good and bad. I’d like to say you loved me, but that I can’t say for sure because I don’t know. I wish I could help you, and that I could understand better what prevents you from being able to continue being with me while we are apart- but I know that you aren’t ready for that yet. You, like me, have so much to heal from. I will be here, and I will always love you. I will wait for you, for the day we can be together again. Afterall, we did say that this was just a break while we are apart did we not? Please say that’s what we (you) decided- I don’t want this to be the end forever. I wish there was some way to come to agreement with this, an equal decision. I know you say you are thinking of how you are- but what of me? You thought of me, yes… but you even said this was not the reaction you expected. I’m sorry for everything. Thank you though, for all that you have done for me. I only wish I had something to remember you by, something to hold when I am overcome with the sadness of missing you. I love you.
My Reply —-
9 Years Later..
Wow, as I have just told you I am starting to, trying to, rediscover who I am.. Thank you fro sharing this with me. I really feel compelled to speak to it..
Written as a conversation.. with me reading your post and responding in kind.
I did, I always did love you, something about me was so pulled toward you. I was simply to naïve and too immature in my wisdoms to trust myself.. and follow that instinct those ideas.
I was always so grateful that you never expected me to change who I am for you, that you never expected me to be something I was not. I think that the opportunities that were presented to me were a part of growing a idea of moving forward in a single dimension of this reality. I just chose one reality over another. Man I really regret your feeling sorry and my forcing you to feel that way, you never should have felt sorry, about the SI about the emotions you shared with me. You did nothing wrong, it was me who ignored your feelings your honesty and trust in me. It was me who let you down. And exposed you to those things. I hope you never made it to being sorry that you initiated the relationship you were the first girl who ever made me feel amazing, attractive, cool, just for being me.. Never before had I met someone and started something that lasted with out meeting them online first, YOU gave me confidence, independence from my own negative self, and desire to really be who I am.. Thank you.. Please I hope you did not end up regretting us. I am sorry I crushed you. How inconsiderate I was. I am honored that I brought you so much happiness before I screwed it up. I wish you could have helped me to, but you could not, no one could. I was on my own journey… I did love you,. So much.. I could not be with you wile we were apart because I was not strong, I was not independent of my feelings of how others views me and I was searching for my own definitions of life.. I think I was just too young.. to immature.. im sorry.. Thank you for seeing that I needed to heal too.. from a life that was after me in some ways.. and so much more.. I am glad you did not wait forever for me. There were times I thought about trying to repair our hearts.. but you were moved on with your life.. and I could not overcome how much hurt I had caused you.. I wish I would have left you more shirts to hold… Thank you again..