black rainbow tears Juni 4., 2002 at 12:58 AM

Juni 4., 2002 at 12:58 AM


Through all the tears, the self injury, the pain, the heartache, there is happiness my dear. I am so glad that you chose to tell me that you didn’t trust yourself in the situation of long-distance, at least not yet. I know that there is always the possibility that had we continued all would have been well, but as with anything there is no guarantee. We won’t worry about that. Perhaps you’ll realize that you will be fine with it, and I’ll recieve a letter from you asking if I want to get back together, that you have come to terms with your fears, and perhaps I’ll have managed mine as well, and everything can fall back into place. You said to me that you can’t fall in love with me until I can love myself first. I don’t know how you mean, ‘love myself’. I’d appreciate help in any way you can for me to understand that, and possibly do so. There are so many things that I want to cut from my life, ironically the first thing is my self injury- but every time that I think I’ve gotten past it, that I’ve overcome the urges, the angry screams and lamenting wails in my mind telling me to hurt myself, cut myself, burn myself, scratch myself, something happens and I fall apart. An atomic bomb hits my soul and all is a wasteland of volatile emotions, the nuclear fallout cutting crimson lines in my flesh, their half-lives marked by pale reminders of happier days. When you are ready, it would be so nice to help each other heal our wounds. I have my baggage, so do you. Everyone carries their own hatbox of the past. Can’t we help each other lighten the load? My words desert me to express how I feel, however I hope to see you once more before I leave for camp, and after that before I move. I hope that when I do, you can see my happiness for you under the sadness.
Until the crossroads,
I love you always
your Faerie