A Brothers Love

Dear J,

1-12-2001

Man I don’t even know where to beguine, every time I want to talk with you its not the right moment or your too hot headed. Dude I know we have some things to work on, and I don’t exactly know where to start but hopefully this letter will give us something to start on. Fist off I do love you man I love you in so many ways a brother could dude and you worry the shit out of me..  I have made attempts since I have been back to be your brother and I know I have messed up too.. Man I have never had a male role model in my entire life the closest things to role models I have ever had were Michael’s dad, and Grandpa, I’m not sure how to be a big brother man I really wish I knew and I really wish I could haul ass back in time and correct the mistakes that I have made. But I can’t and you can’t either all that we can do is try and move forward into the future.

Dude I know your mad and I know your pisted and don’t want to forgive or even accept my apologies but that does not mean im going to give up trying. I do some things to you that are not fair or right and I admit that. I did not even know until about 2 weeks ago that me calling you Fag hurt you in the ways that it does dude that has always been a tossaround word with me and my friends and I have tried to stop using it around you but its really hard ya know its like you trying to stop saying fuck, man when you become so usted to saying something you sometimes forget how not to say it. The only time I seem to be able to stop swereing is when im around little kids.  I had no clue that a couple weeks ago when I called you a tag-along you took it seriously because I did not mean it that way I really dident, I like you hanging around you remind me of me when I was you age and in some ways that really scares me because I got into a LOT of dangerous situations when I was your age I almost died a few times. I’ve been shot at, almost stabbed and had quite a few guns pointed right in my face. And I was able to keep my cool and somehow get out of the situations I was in. it was not always really pretty or anything like that but somehow with luck I got out of them. And I learned to control my mouth and take things a little less seriously and from that point on it has helped me get to the point I am at witch is a lot better than I used to be. Dude I have done it all I have been sooo sickly lucky though I should have gone to jail so many time and I should have been in the hospital and dead a few more but I got lucky, Dude in 1997 the equilivant of today I was so messssssed up from our family and where my life was if you rember back when I was just 17 I had just come back from living out on the streets for a little wile, that was hell. Many things I have done in my life were not fun… And I don’t want to see you go down the same road and not be as lucky as I was. That scares me because I love you. I don’t know how to make you see how much I want you to forgive me or how  much I want to be your brother or how much I want to do things with you. I don’t know how to make you see that. But its there and I will be you bro if I can.

Dude we are nothing like our dad, I have worked so HARD at becoming someone different than that. I don’t know how to explain the struggle but the first thing I had to do to prevent becoming him was to forgive him. That does in now way mean that I will ever call my self “his son” or him “my dad” or in anyway forget the life that he created for me the hell that we all went through in many situations. Dude as much as I want to lay all blame on my self it is the truth that you are a product of your environment and  the things that affect you when you are young will sculpt the way that you live the rest of your life…. I wan’t to see our life’s improve… I want a family that I can be proud of and I am so proud of you man, you may do something’s I don’t like but overall you’re a straight-up guy and I respect your honestly because for the most part you are a honest person and that’s something that is very rare. You have a lot of talents. I want to teach you so much about computers and computer art and dude there are so many things I want to share with you but I just don’t know how to make you see that.

Maybe we should work on our communication like how I said that I don’t know when things hurt you or why it would mean so much to me if I did know that. Then I would be able to start to make a change for the better but dude if you don’t know how to put something together and you never get the instructions it either comes out looking fucked up or doesn’t get put together at all.

SO dude I don’t know how to help and I have to finish this letter and work but I hope ti helps us out…

Love always

Anteros